Open Mouth, Insert Foot


I am going to introduce Cereal Killer tomorrow because this is just too much. This is literally what my mornings are like. Always.

Sometimes I even amaze myself with how much of a hot mess I can really be.

Picture this, if you will. It’s a brisk Michigan morning with temperatures floundering around -6*F with a hearty windchill of -16*F. It’s a perfect day for NOT bundling up yourself and your 21 month old daughter to trudge through 2 miles of bitter cold snow to get to a meeting with teachers about your preschoolers and their plans for next year. So, naturally, I bundled up myself and my 21 month old daughter to trudge through 2 miles of bitter cold snow to get to a meeting with teachers about your preschoolers and their plans for next year. Natch.

I put The Foodie in a warm, fleece outfit, her puffy pink coat, boots, mittens, a huge hat, and a little toddler-sizd scarf. Then I tied her to my chest, facing towards me in a wrap carrier. THEN I put an enormous shiny, steel grey, knee length puffer coat on and zipped her and me in to it. I topped it off with an obnoxious blue polka dotted hat, red and white scarf, and mismatched fleece mittens.

I left the house looking like a two headed penguin on anti-psychotics.

We made it about half a mile, The Foodie was telling me very loudly about every vehicle she saw pass us. I think she was just trying to get me to stop them and offer her to them because it was damn cold.

I noticed the same truck pass us three or four times. He finally stopped.

“You guys want a ride?”

My freezing cold Sarcastic Self wanted to say, “No thanks! We’re enjoying the beautiful weather!”  But, my Freezing Cold Self told my Sarcastic self to STFU and gratefully accept the ride from this potential axe-murderer. He may skin us and use us to make a Woman Suit, but at least the heater on his truck works.

Fortunately for me, he was not an axe-murderer. Or he (correctly) assumed I had too many stretchmarks to be usable in his sewing projects. He was extremely nice, though and we are very thankful for his kindness. And he didn’t kill us.

So, we got where we needed to be and un-penguined ourselves. The meeting was long and uninteresting so, I won’t bore you. It’s after the meeting that I went from hot mess to MOMAGHEDDON.

I took The Foodie to visit Rain Man and Cereal Killer. Their preschool class has open-door policies and we were welcome to stay and play for a while.  Since the regular teacher was doing meetings with parents all day, there were substitute teachers in the class. One of the subs somehow recognized me and we struck up conversation.

Sub: You’re Amdeus’s wife, right?

Me: Uh….yeah.

Sub: My son [Guy] was born the same day as him. They were in music together at college.

Me: I was in music too, there. What was his last name?

Sub: [Name]

At this point I realize I know [Guy] from college and his younger brother. My best friend in high school went out with him for a while about 12 years ago.

Me: Oh yeah! I know [Guy] from band and [Guy’s Brother] from high school. He dated a friend of mine for a while.

Sub: Oh yeah? Who?


Sub:  …..What?

Oh shit. OH SHIT. Does she not know her son is gay? OH MY GOD SHE DOESN’T KNOW HER SON IS GAY. I thought he was “out”. He has to be out! How is he not out? He’s so….no seriously. She has to already know he’s gay, right? Oh God, no.

I tried to cover for my mistake in the lamest way possible. I said, seriously, “That’s the last name.” My face is beet red, there is absolutely no way the name I just said sounds like a last name, and oh my God I just outed a grown man to his mother and she looks PISSED.

Who does that? (I know. Her or me? But, that’s another issue completely, amirite?) I am so completely horrified that I may have accidentally outed someone to their MOTHER in a PRESCHOOL.

Pardon me while I climb in to my giant penguin coat, crawl in a hole, and die.

She’s totally going to send my kids home with a puppy and an espresso as revenge.


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