Rain Man has a mild aversion to hair cuts. By “mild aversion” I mean “hasn’t had a legitimate hair cut since last July and will kung-fu kick anyone who approaches him with scissors or clippers”. I am totally down with the shaggy hippie-kid look but, Rain Man can’t quite pull it off.
See, he’s kind of a ginger with obnoxiously thick, straight hair. Kids with
souls thinner or curlier hair look adorable with long, shaggy ‘dos. With long hair, Rain Man look suspiciously like Jeff Bridges’ character in Dumb and Dumber.
So, I need to figure out a way to cut his flowing, orange locks off without losing a tooth or drawing blood. I’ve tried pretty much every technique from bribery to distraction and I can’t get close to him with any sort of hair shortening device.
Before anyone brilliantly suggests I do it while he’s sleeping, let me tell you all a little story:
A few months ago Rain Man had the flu. Fever, barfing, the whole nine yards of Clorox wipes… He hates taking medicine, but I had to break that fever before he broke my will to live. So, I waited until he fell in to a sweaty, flu-coma sleep and snuck in to his room. I was all Crouching Mother, Hidden Medicine Syringe as I crept to his bed. I delicately pried his lips apart and as I touched the tip of the syringe to his mouth, HE FLEW AWAKE IN A SCREAMING, FIGHTING RAGE.
I swear to you I almost shit my pants. I screamed in surprise, he screamed louder and kicked the syringe out of my hand. It flew across the room and splattered all over the wall. (Here is the one minor drawback of dye-free medicine. While cleaning up cherry-red goo would have been a messy pain in the ass, at least I would have been able to SEE where it all was. That clear dye-free business disappears on walls, only to be discovered a few weeks later when it has become a lint-sucking super-glue patch on the wall. Super fun times!)
So, sneaking up on Rain Man in his sleep gets me a few new bruises, an epic mess to clean up, and a terrified preschooler. And that’s just from Liquid Motrin. Can you imagine what would happen if I was dangling a pair of scissors over his face?
So, no. I am not going to try cutting his hair while he’s sleeping. Thanks, anyway.
It’s getting to the point where I am not sure he can see where he’s going with that hair curtain in front of his face. Part of me wants to embrace the feeling of spring in the air, bring him to a farm, have a farmer hog tie him, and sheer him like a sheep. Not sure on the legality of that, though.