Potty Training: Day 1

Funny Business, parenting fail

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Foodie is almost two so, I have decided it’s high time she at least consider using the toilet for something other than a Barbie hot tub. So, we are going to jump right in. Sounds like a great idea, right?

9:00am:  I place Foodie on the toilet and she squeals about the Elmo and Cookie Monster patterns on the kiddie potty seat for 15 minutes. No production. Foodie is now in obnoxious Yo Gabba Gabba underwear.

9:47am: Foodie said, “Pee!” so she was wrenched from her rocking chair and urgently rushed to the bathroom. She gave us one fart.

10:00am: Nap time. She is in a diaper for “safe keeping”.

10:36am: Foodie wakes up dry! There was much rejoicing! She still won’t pee on the potty, though.

11:02am: Daddy takes Foodie to the potty. She has mastered the toilet paper and farting. She’s gifted.

11:25am: Since all is going well, I give Foodie her lunch. She is sitting, eating an orange, and peeing all over her booster seat and the floor within seconds. Nice.

11:26am: I am mopping the floor as Foodie helpfully tells me she peed.

11:36am: Foodie is now completely nude and asks to go potty. She tells me, “I fahted.” I make a mental note to stop listening to Car Talk when she is riding with me.

11:57am: Foodie wants to go potty again. No, she doesn’t. Yes, she does. No, she doesn’t… We spend 5 minutes longer than it takes to pull a muscle in one’s back putting her on and taking her off the potty per her shrill requests. More Yo Gabba Gabba underwear.

12:01pm: Foodie insists that she is fully capable of putting her underwear on all by herself.

12:02pm: She gives up on the panties and states her preference for nudity.

12:08pm: She’s on the couch with Daddy. I am concerned she will pee on him without him noticing until it’s way too late. But, I sort of don’t want to warn him just to see what happens when he notices he’s in a puddle.

12:54pm: I try to sneak off to the bathroom but, Foodie has pee-dar and knows when I would like a moment by myself. She stands on the other side of the bathroom door demanding to be let in because she’s, “gotta go pee da potty!” I tell her to keep her shirt on and wait because it’s undoubtably another false alarm.

12:55pm: It wasn’t.

12:56pm: Daddy cleans up Foodie as I mop up another large puddle. This is going great.

12:58pm: She’s coming up to me butt-naked and saying, “Poop in da potty. Lotsta poopies.” My highly trained intuition tells me she might just have a Big Event Number Two in the very near future. I follow her with a plastic baggie just in case.

1:03pm: Foodie asks to visit the restroom again. I have a brilliant idea. I ask her to fart in hopes she’ll, well, shart. She responds to my request by sticking out her tongue and saying, “All done!” You win this round, little girl…

1:17pm: She’s running around with sunglasses on. Just sunglasses. No clothing.  She’s giving us a whole new set of issues to worry about after she masters the toilet.

1:21pm: A nap has been mandated. For me. Foodie is put back in to a diaper and has been compelled to nap as well.

3:00pm: Naptime over. There is a rather large present in my child’s diaper waiting for me. Well, at least it wasn’t on the carpet.

3:01pm: I trip on the way to the garbage can. Now it’s on the carpet.

3:47pm: Foodie is sat on the potty. Nothing.

3:49pm: While playing outside with her brothers, she takes off her pants and pees in the front yard. Traffic slows. Passerbys gawk. I make a mental note to move soon.

5:15pm: We made it through dinner without incident. Foodie crawls in to my lap for a post-meal snuggle and poops a little. She is very proud.

5:16pm: She is placed on the potty just in case the tank isn’t fully emptied while I pre-wash my pants in the sink. No production.

5:24pm: Foodie lays down on the living room floor holding a diaper with her feet in the air. “Putta diaper on!” she insists. I am sure that is a good sign?

6:28pm: It’s been a while since anything was expelled from Foodie. I am getting nervous as bathtime is approaching.

6:45pm: Bathtime. I am praying there will be no “brown trout” tonight. I also explain that the tub is now called an Ool. There’s no ‘P’ in our Ool. Let’s keep it that way.

6:48pm: Brown trout sighting! But, it is unclear who is the producer of the brown trout. This is getting bad.

7:08pm: Foodie is back on the potty, singing about crackers. Is she talking about food or me? Maybe I should consider tanning.

7:15pm: She peed on the couch.

7:16pm: I consider writing love letters to the makers of Resolve Fabric and Upholstery Cleaner.

7:25pm: As I am tucking a diapered and pajama’d Foodie in to bed, she tells me she has to go pee. I just back out of the room and close the door. I have reached my daily threshold for bodily fluids.

7:31pm: Oh my God, I have to pee like a racehorse…

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7 thoughts on “Potty Training: Day 1

  1. omg i love this article of yours..its just so much fun to read..exspacially since i am trying a little potty training with my 20month old daughter as well..
    but she doesnt tell me when she needs to go..she tells me when she is done ..great huh..
    well and its kinda complicated since she goes to daycare daily from 10-4 where she is not asked all the time..and has a diaper on 😦 i hope someday we ll be all happy mommys without diapered kids..
    how did it work with your 2 boys??

    1. Thanks. 🙂

      And here’s how it worked with the boys: Hit and miss. It took us an embarrassingly long time to get the boys out of diapers. This year I was sending one of them to school with prayers that he wouldn’t have to poop until the day was over because he still was not using the toilet for that. I didn’t want to get the embarrassing, “Your kid crapped his pants at school” call. (I only had about 3 of those calls before he finally started using the toilet, for the record.)

      Good luck potty training! I tell myself that I’ve never seen a kindergartener in diapers so, the diaper phase HAS to pass eventually. 😉

  2. “I tell myself that I’ve never seen a kindergartener in diapers so, the diaper phase HAS to pass eventually”

    Well, this give me hope. I still think my daughter might be the first… but still…that little shred of hope keeps me hanging on.
    My son was super easy. (so much for all those people who told me boys are harder than girls) He was pooping and peeing on the toilet in three days. My daughter is four and still wants her diaper for #2 sometimes.

  3. Thank you so much for giving me a much-needed smile and a laugh today!
    I am so glad that I found your blog! 🙂

  4. I think you live at my house! Thanks so much for the laugh.
    My 2 year old girl spent a few hours in Tinkerbell underwear and ended up peeing on the carpet and her foot. She won’t have anything to do with the underwear now because she views it as a evil instigator. “Dere’s da unnerwear make me pee on my foot!” So we’re on hold for awhile. 🙂

  5. Love your blog….LOL thank you for the wonderful memories…I have 3 beautiful children now 7,11,14 …I planed it so I would not more than one in diapers at the same time …haha what a joke …wish someone would have warned me …instead I ended up buying diapers for 10 years straight
    .. lol my first was potty trained at 3 1/2 (my sister did it not me!)my second told me he was NOT going top use the potty till he was 3 and was good to his word and my third took till she was 4 she just didn’t like the potty…lol

  6. OMG that was hilarious hehe, you must have a tough routine with thw kids. i see with my nephews it is never too easy to potty train. good luck though!! loveeeee your blog!

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