I wonder what my life would be like without children. I imagine I would lounge around nibbling grapes while being fanned by a well-oiled romance novel cover model.
Not so likely? Well, at least it would be quieter in here. And I would probably devote less of my mental energy to devising ways to remove substances and objects from my children…
This morning Killer came downstairs with one eye gooped shut. My Ick Sensors went off because I know from experience that pink eye sounds like Hello Kitty’s cute new pal but it is, in fact, not cute. Or a kitty. It is contagious, however.
I asked for Killer to show me his eye and he hid on the couch. Oh, hell no. That is never a good sign. After a brief struggle, I caught a glimpse of his goopy eye.
It was purple.
Now, I am not a doctor but, I am pretty sure Nasty Eye Crud does not produce purple goop. (These are all highly technical medical terms.) Upon closer inspection, I realized his eyelashes were fused together with…
“Son of mine, how did you manage to get Silly Putty stuck in your eye hairs?” I asked, bracing myself.
“Because I want to be a pirate! Duh!”
Well, duh. I should have guessed. I mean, obviously. If I wanted to be a pirate, surely my first action would be to find the nearest supply of Silly Putty, fashion it in to a glistening circle, and slap it on my eye at bedtime so it could harden in to a newsprint-collecting eye patch by morning.