The Straw or Why I Have A Rule About Pants

Funny Business, parenting fail, Uncategorized

This story is just too good to pass up re-telling and hands-to-God, it’s all true…

A few months ago I was sitting down to lunch with the kids. The boys were having a “naked phase”. Any time was nekkid time for the guys. So long as they didn’t pee on anything, I was okay with it.

Until That Day.

I was precision cutting up organic vegetables for a healthy lunch platter (Or making a box of Kraft Dinner. Same difference.) when I heard Mr. Cereal Killer rustling around behind me.

I turned around and – here is where time slowed down – I saw Cereal Killer with his penis in a glass of milk.

Okay. I was not going to freak out at him. I don’t want to give him some weird body issues because his mother screamed at him for dunking his weiner like an Oreo. So, I was very calm.

“Whatcha doin’, kiddo?”

“Drinkin’ my milk,” he answered without hesitation. I was still not quite sure where this was going but I stayed silent to allow him to continue the thought train.

“My straw isn’t suckin’ it up,” he said with frustration as he waved his little winkie around in the cup. You could see the logic deep down in there but still…no.

After that, I insisted my children wear pants at the table. No exceptions.

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7 thoughts on “The Straw or Why I Have A Rule About Pants

  1. This is hilarious. I am just loving your blog, and your writing style. I remember me and brothers running around the house naked as kids after a bath, yelling ‘Bare naked bodies,’ at the top of our lungs. And when my daughter was young it was next to impossible to keep a shirt on her–especially since her brothers and all the cousins went topless at camp. They are so precious at that age of innocence. 🙂

    You have such a succinct and fun way of putting things. Great job.

  2. This is by far one of the funny things I have ever read! I made my 4 year old leave the room (just in case the idea of sticking his “thing” in his milk appealed to him) so I could read it to my husband. Thank you for a much needed laugh!

  3. Sounds like a good rule to have! I’ll never forget picking up my son from preschool to find out he pulled down his pants in front of another kid because the child wanted to see his underpants.

  4. Oh my God – so funny! But I have to say, the naked phase totally freaks me out.

    A few weeks back, I babysat for some girls down my street. The eldest and I were sitting down to a game of checkers when the youngest got super quiet. Knowing that’s never a good sign, I turned around to see her standing in front of the window with her skirt lifted over her head, giggling her little heart out. The eldest was stunned to silence, so as calmly as I could (through the shock), I asked the youngest if she would please put her skirt back on. Two seconds later she was sitting playing checkers with us as if nothing had happened. I patted myself on the back for surviving my first naked encounter, but it was too soon! When I took her to her room later to get ready for bed, she informed me she had a magic trick to show me. I closed my eyes as instructed, but when I opened them, she was standing in front of me buck naked! I didn’t want to freak her out, so I told her to put her clothes on and then we had a calm discussion about the necessity of clothes in the presence of people who aren’t family. She didn’t get it at all, though, and kept attempting to strip for the rest of the evening.

    It was a mixed feeling when her mom got back home. How was I supposed to tell her that her kid had begun the exhibitionist phase without sounding creepy? I mean, seriously! “Hey, your kid was naked the whole time you were gone. But don’t worry, I know it’s normal.”

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