Grocery Store Cocktails

Funny Business

You know how you can occasionally get a babysitter and go out for a fancy dinner date (let’s be fair, by fancy I mean Applebee’s)? Well, one of my favorite things is to check out the drink menu (and order from it) because they always have a creative way to say exactly what you want. I don’t have to start listing ingredients. I just have to say, “One Bloody Mary, good sir!” (I get a little old-timey when I’ve had a few.)

I firmly believe the grocery store should be the same way. It would be so convenient to walk up to a stock-person and say, “I need a Hormonal and three Pacifiers. NOW.”

I suggest you start using them liberally.


The People A Coming Over WHEN?! – Noodle salad from the deli, Danish butter cookies, instant coffee, Febreze

The Forgotten Class Party – 2 dozen cupcakes from the bakery, a canister of sprinkles (so they look homemade, duh), a jug of apple juice

I Have Time To Pack A Lunch – sliced turkey, whole wheat bread, mustard, single serve applesauces, refrigerated cookie dough, celery, peanut butter, raisins, juice boxes

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That – Lunchables

The Teething Baby – Baby Orajel, earplugs, a teething toy, a bottle of coconut rum

The Pacifier – An open package of Goldfish crackers, three randomly chosen items from the impulse buy aisle by the check out, and a 20 oz. soda that is 25 cents more expensive than the same kind of soda in a 2 liter bottle.

The Hormonal – A bottle of Moscato, frozen mozzarella sticks, and a container of Whipped Jif Chocolate Peanut Butter. (A truly great cashier will hand you a spoon on your way out the door.)

The Kids Are At A Sleepover – Frozen egg rolls, cookies and cream ice cream, any R rated movie, Kahlua, and chocolate milk

The First Day Of A Diet – Kale, organic carrot sticks, hummus, quinoa, almond milk, agave nectar, a juicer

The Fifth Day Of A Diet – Frozen pizza, Peanut Butter M&Ms, Diet Coke




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