Pizza Rolls

Funny Business, Uncategorized

It is not uncommon for parents and children to disagree occasionally. Currently, my kids and I have a major disagreement about one thing that none of us want to compromise on.

Pizza Rolls.

They love those little pillows of horrible, processed goo. I don’t know if it’s from commericals that make them look delicious or if they have friends at school who eat them, but the kids are magnetically attracted to bags of frozen pizza rolls. They sing their praises every time we are in the grocery store and I dread going in to the frozen food section because I know they will bum-rush the case that houses those blasted rolls and start begging for me to buy them a bag. Oh, they will clean their rooms! They will be polite! They will never ask for another thing ever ever ever or at least until we go shopping again and they see another bag of pizza rolls or a neat looking toy! I, logically, think they are an atrocity to mouths everywhere and try to avoid them at all cost.

First of all, the cooking process on these things is ridiculous. If your want to have them even remotely resemble an edible product, you have to throw them in the oven. The microwave turns them in to a savory, molten chewing gum. Disgusting. Well, just throw them in the oven, right? Good luck. Cook them for 9 minutes and 59 seconds and they are still partially frozen. Cook them for 10 minutes exactly, they explode like a dead humpback whale in the sun. And have fun trying to get the refuse from two dozen little Mt Vesuviuses (Vesuvii?) off your best baking sheet.

If by some miracle, you manage to cook these those little horror shows without major incident, now you have to eat them. Yeah, just throw that in your mouth and bite. I dare you. When you are in the burn unit of your local hospital because the molten cheese that exploded out of you pizza roll burned clean through the roof of your mouth, remember I warned you. I WARNED YOU. You could let it cool, but then it makes a better hockey puck than a snack. I imagine there is a “sweet spot” of temperature when pizza rolls are edible, but I’ve never found it. Lava or luke-warm dough puck. Those are your eating options. Bon appétit.

That alone would persuade me to find alternative eats, but if you need a better arguement (I thought “You will burn a hole in your mouth.” was good enough, but what do I know…) flip the bag over and read the ingredients. It’s quite a novel so, make sure you have a few hours to kill when you take this project on. Call me old fashioned but, I would like to think tomato sauce, cheese, and dough/crust should be the first (and hopefully only) ingredients in a cheese pizza roll. And “Rehydrated Enzyme Modified Cheese” sounds delicious. Yum.

I mean, the boys DID shovel the whole driveway when I agreed to make them some pizza rolls so, I guess they aren’t completely bad. Just 99% awful. So, there you go. I compromised.


One thought on “Pizza Rolls

  1. Parchment paper. They don’t stick, the pan wipes clean. You’re welcome.
    I will, however, pass on reading the ingredients. I’m gonna continue to wallow in my ignorance because my son can “cook” them himself in the toaster oven. My two grown kids ate plenty of them, and they both have obove-average IQs, so I won’t question my methods the third time around.
    Fun post. 🙂

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