Time Machine

I have discovered an amazing time traveling technique that makes children look older in seconds. It, unfortunately does not improve or mature their behavior, however. But, I am still tweaking my device.

This magical time machine is actually… a haircut.

I gave the boys haircuts the other day. That in itself was quite the ordeal. Rain Man had been asking for a haircut for about a week when I finally got to it. He was pleased as punch until the clippers came out, then he freaked out and gave me the whole screaming/crying song and dance until it was over. As soon as the clippers were out of sight, he turned off the noise machine, told me he looked great, and trotted off to play. Baffling.

Anyhow, after the boys were done being shorn like sheep I realized how grown up the looked. They didn’t look like tubby little toddlers, they looked like lanky boys. Apparently being able to see someone’s face gives you a more accurate gauge on their actual age. Who knew. They are headed towards age 5 at breakneck speed! School starts in a couple weeks! What? When did this happen?!

Either they are growing up faster than I can keep track of, or my hair clippers have magical powers.

I am hoping it’s magical clippers.

Haircut or Hurrrrr-cut?

Rain Man has a mild aversion to hair cuts. By “mild aversion” I mean “hasn’t had a legitimate hair cut since last July and will kung-fu kick anyone who approaches him with scissors or clippers”. I am totally down with the shaggy hippie-kid look but, Rain Man can’t quite pull it off.

See, he’s kind of a ginger with obnoxiously thick, straight hair. Kids with souls thinner or curlier hair look adorable with long, shaggy ‘dos. With long hair, Rain Man look suspiciously like Jeff Bridges’ character in Dumb and Dumber.

 

My husband may be requesting DNA testing from Harry now.

So, I need to figure out a way to cut his flowing, orange locks off without losing a tooth or drawing blood. I’ve tried pretty much every technique from bribery to distraction and I can’t get close to him with any sort of hair shortening device.

Before anyone brilliantly suggests I do it while he’s sleeping, let me tell you all a little story:

A few months ago Rain Man had the flu. Fever, barfing, the whole nine yards of Clorox wipes… He hates taking medicine, but I had to break that fever before he broke my will to live. So, I waited until he fell in to a sweaty, flu-coma sleep and snuck in to his room. I was all Crouching Mother, Hidden Medicine Syringe as I crept to his bed. I delicately pried his lips apart and as I touched the tip of the syringe to his mouth, HE FLEW AWAKE IN A SCREAMING, FIGHTING RAGE.

I swear to you I almost shit my pants. I screamed in surprise, he screamed louder and kicked the syringe out of my hand. It flew across the room and splattered all over the wall. (Here is the one minor drawback of dye-free medicine. While cleaning up cherry-red goo would have been a messy pain in the ass, at least I would have been able to SEE where it all was. That clear dye-free business disappears on walls, only to be discovered a few weeks later when it has become a lint-sucking super-glue patch on the wall. Super fun times!)

So, sneaking up on Rain Man in his sleep gets me a few new bruises, an epic mess to clean up, and a terrified preschooler. And that’s just from Liquid Motrin. Can you imagine what would happen if I was dangling a pair of scissors over his face?

So, no. I am not going to try cutting his hair while he’s sleeping. Thanks, anyway.

It’s getting to the point where I am not sure he can see where he’s going with that hair curtain in front of his face. Part of me wants to embrace the feeling of spring in the air, bring him to a farm, have a farmer hog tie him, and sheer him like a sheep. Not sure on the legality of that, though.

Ideas?